Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Reflections...

I literally stopped when I saw this.  Yes! the episode of Iyanla Van Zant's Fix my life from last year. Where have I been!? If you dont know, she helped these 6 women who started a blog that tore them apart heal or atleast try to.

If you dont know I cofounded a blog neosoulsistahs.com with 3 women whom I saw out socially under our love of neosoul music and we all happened to have natural hair. Well, it was more people but as the blog became a reality only 4 remained due to different commitment levels and whatnot. I know I was always in on 10 lol
Well, out of knowing or not knowing each person various lengths of time; we thought since we enjoyed each others company SOCIALLY that we can make a blog work. Right?!
WRONG.
What started out as a organic beautiful thing turned into this petty, backbitting, two faced cluster bomb that so far has two sistahs taking a break. I call it hiding on facebook but hey what do i know. (As for facebook, I do not and will not engage in facebook bull and pettiness as others do because i would rather talk about it and solve the problem. Besides a wise person said "Fake on facebook is a very real a$$whoopin in real life lol I kid but people seem to get real BRAVE on the internet. The cowards way.) I know I have always been open to friends but as I think I see it, they didnt and dont see it that way and simply tolerated me because I was the only one that knew how to actually do what was needed to actually start the blog.  I feel VERY used.



While i dont claim to be innocent in this (we kept being polite and not real and I became gradually upset), I have been always open to talk about it. Not be polite but real as I was always in it for the friendship as in like the 6 brown chicks episode as one of the ladies said she wanted a healthy relationship with women outside of her family where there was an obligation to deal with her. We were polite and things started being left unsaid and folks just got along just to get along.
And it broke...its broken.
Watching the episode of these bloggers...GROWN WOMEN act like mean girls and just plain jerks to others they call a friend has made me look at what has happened in my own wake. I see the hurt in them and now can see it in my own experience. Some of what they were saying was even said by others when we were all together when it started. I now know the blog was just the cover. There is more beneath the surface. Disfunction didnt just happened when we started the blog. Latent issues within a few came to the surface. It was a bad mix from the start. We were about business first but then it got personal. Meaning we had our business differences on how to go about the blog but then it got really personal.
It is sad but recent conversation (she actually took my call) with one of the sistahs on "break" concluded that i was too "unpredictable". I was also told she never had an opinion of me but now her opinion is that i am unpredictable. She doesnt want to deal with someone who doesnt know what that person is going to do next.
Well, I appreciated her honesty but then I was offended. A human being is not just one way. Pissed off me is the same me but I am just pissed off as I was in this whole event when i realized i was being taken advantage of when it became not about friendship. I have not changed at my core. I am the laughing joking, goodhearted me thru and thru. I was just vulnerable enough to show someone who i thought was a friend me at my core and i got rejected and judged. So to say I am unpredictable is a cop out. I guess I will have to take the L on that one.  I have given up on getting hurt again. It didnt go well the first time right? I would rather go out as me than what thought you could expect of me. How can another human being be put into such a box like that?  I actually concluded that its just what people want to deal with. There are no ties other than socially so of course they are not going to see the worth in another person. I just wish folks were honest.
Anyway, I am still processing this last development. I and the reamaining sistah are still posting and holding it down until things come back together...if they do at all. It is going on 2 months now and things have been sobering for me in other areas of my life.
Just thought id get my thoughts out for the first time reflecting. I doubt if they read anything other than themselves on facebook but if they do read here you certainly have my number. I doubt it but who knows.

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